Hi Dean,

No decision as of yet. Sorry.

Kerri

Here's motivation: Let's put the fastest guy in the Development Dept. on the Gramma Moses' PC, and watch him fight to stay awake.

Why do I waste my time trying to obtain these shitty 'cubical-fodder' jobs where I have to drive a long, hard way in a chameleon-colored tie so that I can do backflips to fit into a corporate culture that just doesn't suit me?

I think in the beginning I had some vague notion that my incredibly varied, yet shallow, experience in just about everything 'office' might garner me a few extra bucks-per-hour, and after a year (and, actually a lot longer) it's time to admit that this formula, too, does not work!

I look back over a life that I'm more or less very happy and content with. But all the puddles of depression and anxiety gather and pool in the low spots that are my education and career. . .

I am not my

fucking khakis!

Introduction to the Tao . . .

Our possibilities are realised in conversation . . .

After describing to a friend a few years back the miserable failure of tricyclics for me in treating depression that dogged me in those days, I had a conversation with an aquaintance of hers much like this one, which for me, made all the difference in the world. It's funny how the information we need seems to present itself at exactly that moment when we're ready to accept it.

She: Do you believe in a higher power?

I: Believe? (chuckling)

She: Well, have faith? . . .

I: Let's just say that I'm open to the possibility.

She: Okay, think of God, or that higher-self or whatever it is for you, as having an agenda or an imperative much like your own; a stake in your life, success in the choices and decisions you make everyday.

I: How do you mean? Why would and omnipotent being give a shit about my success? That doesn't need me . . .

She: Then why would it express, or be present in your experience of life? Think of it this way. This higher-self, or whatever it is needs you. To it, you are like a vehicle. You are like a car which it loves dearly. Your agenda, as this vehicle, may be varied and rather complicated - like going to school, getting a job, buying a house, getting married and raising a family; these might be examples of your destinations. These are the trips you use your 'gas' for. Do you see where I getting at?

I: Not really (and, you're nuts), but go ahead . . .

She: (chuckles) okay . . . well, the energy for your journey comes from this higher being; as it's vehicle it puts it's energy into you to accomplish it's own agenda through you. But. . .

I: Hang on. . .God wants me to get Him a degree, and buy Him a house?

She: I was just about to get to that. . .See, the purposes of this higher-self aren't physical needs, like ours. In fact their's could very well be extremely simple and unified.

I: Yeah? Like what?

She: Like Reunion if your more open to a higher self, or maybe Re-integration if you're thinking in terms of 'God'. . . or, The Big Bang. The source of pure consciousness . . .

I: I don't know how I feel about all of that . . .

She: Think of it this way. . . Are you open to the possibility of reincarnation?

I: Not in the sense that we're born into the same identity or ego-likeness; but yes, that our energy extends, somehow, beyond death.

She: Excellent, then this should make perfect sense to you. Our higher selves are on a path that leads to this reunion, this is what the Taoist calls the 'Tao'. But it's also a labyrinth that we are lost in, through the illusion of separation and imperfection. It is what we perceive as the physical world of decisions and choices, breakdowns and breakthroughs: Rationalisation; this the Taoist refers to as 'Dharma' and it takes many, many lifetimes of learning to get through it. As physical bodies and individuals, we are, as I mentioned, 'vehicles' for this higher self as it traverses this path backward, and forward. When your car dies, you . . .

I: . . .Get a new one. That actually does make sense to me, but what does it have to do with depression?

She: Depression is the inarticulate expression of your higher self trying to tell you that you are making, or have made, decisions and choices that have you stalled, or going in the opposite direction to your reunion with the One.

I: So, it's really up to me? All I have to do is start making better choices and living differently?

She: Yes, you will know when you're on the right track, you will feel it; your life will begin to flow. It will take some time and will there will be a matter of trial and error, until you learn to listen and trust your 'intuition'. It's a feeling, like depression, only positive. See, those drugs will only correct the physical symptoms and allow you to continue acting in the manner which is at the root of the problem, and effectively prevent you from achieving the necessary change that you need in your life. Your 'depression' is merely the symptom of your stalled journey, not the cause. Your problem is not one of brain chemistry, but rather a spiritual crisis.