doodlemaier | It's like smudging. . . but you can eat it!

I may not be able to cook but I can follow a recipe . . . usually!

Due to H's sensitive nose I'll refrain from cooking things as revolting as cabbage while she's home but since her and

thefeline are out together tonight I decided that while the cat's away the mouse can cook up some damn cabbage and who's to say Boo! if the house smells like socks? I found this recipe from a book by Margaret Johnson, that she brought home from the library. And it looked really good - if you're into that sorta thing . . .

I had to fudge a couple of the ingredients, like using beef broth instead of spending an hour looking further for the since hidden chicken broth, IPA instead of Magner's cider, dried parsley rather than fresh. I mean, contrary to popular belief, it didn't suck. It's just not fulfilling in that life-limiting sense that this stuff J-Me cooks up. I watched when he made it for us once while I was in Delaware, but shit-faced drunk, and I had to call him later for the recipe:

I: J-Me, I'm calling to get that recipe from ye' for cabbage.

J-Me: Recipe? Don' need no recipe . . . Just cut the shit up and bohl it. . .

I: (Laughs) bohl it?

J-Me: Yeah, I like food bohled. It makes it easier for me to shit later.

I: You mean, like, 'bold 'n spicy?'

J-Me: Fahk no! I mean like bohled in hot bubbleh' water!

I: Okay. . . so you cut up the cabbage and take that core thing out, throw it in a pot with some cheap-cut bone-in pork chops and fill it with water to just covering the . . . Oh, before that you have to put butter in the pot . . .

J-Me: Oh, yeah. I forgot 'bout that. That's important! Without butter it migh' as well be healthy!

I: How much butter?

J-Me: Uh, I dunno . . . a lot!

I: Well, lemme see . . we had two heads of cabbage. And I think I saw you put in two sticks of butter . . . Dude, is that right? That's a half'a pound of fuckin' butter! That's way too much . . .

J-Me: No, that's about right. As a rule of thumb: A stick per head . . . yeah!

I: Damn! . . . well, who wants to live forever, anyway?

J-Me: That's why Irish people need to drink so much fuggin' whiskey. It keeps the cholesterol in our bloodstreams solvent.

I: . . . And the rest is just salt and pepper, right? How much salt?

J-Me: I dunno . . . a lot! Too gaddamn much salt!

But this's the kind of detailed instructions one can expect from J-Me. He's a Daughter of the Confederacy, or some shiet . . .

So, if your ol' lady won't run you out of the house cook up a batch of cabbage, or two! Hell, make 'em both and judge for yourselves which one's ~~better~~ less offensive; if you're into that sorta thing. It's cabbage . . .

. . .you can eat it!